can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
