Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
