go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
