just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
