My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
