just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
