my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
