I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
