my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
