I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
