Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
