Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
