You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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