he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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