he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
