Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
