Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
