I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
