That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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