u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
