So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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