I got chris browned last night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
