My sheets look like a crime scene.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
