just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
