At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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