I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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