how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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