My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
