I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
