Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
