How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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