Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
