You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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