Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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