We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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