Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
