Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
