i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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