Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
