Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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