I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
