I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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