Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
