T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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