how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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