just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
