Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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