For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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