haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
