He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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